Do you know your wants and needs?
Do you know yourself? Like really know yourself? Your wants, likes, needs, and more? If we grew up in environments where our needs were invalidated, minimized, or we had to suppress them, we often go years or even decades with denying ourself the opportunity to truly identify what it is we feel, want, and need. But here’s the thing, not knowing and/or denying your wants, need, and emotions can have several negative consequences with ourselves and the relationships around us.
I’ve heard from many clients that they feel numb when they first try to see how they feel about situations, because for so long they denied, numbed, minimized, or avoided how they felt. This can cause individuals to feel disconnected with themselves and others, as well as isolated, lonely, and unable to feel satisfied in relationships. Here is your reminder that, to feel and identify your needs isn’t being “too needy” or “too much.” It’s a human requirement when trying to live a fulfilling life, where you feel connected, secure, satisfied, and loved.
Also, If you don’t know your own wants, needs, thoughts, opinions, or emotions - it’s quite impossible to communicate them in other relationships. This becomes a significant barrier to having a healthy relationship and/or family. Meaning, in order to have a healthy relationship, break family dysfunction, and have securely attached relationships/children, you need to have a healthy relationship with yourself. And you can’t do that without getting to know yourself. So lets’s start here!
Below are a few steps to start this process...
How to start doing this.
If knowing your wants, needs, thoughts, and emotions doesn’t come natural or easy right now, you are going to have to learn how to do it by being intentional with it. Putting it in your day. Every single day! (eventually at least!)
So make it a habit to check in with yourself and ask “how am I?” Perhaps you start your day or end your day by journaling or doing a guided meditation asking yourself: How do I feel right now? What are my thoughts about? What do I feel in my body? Are there any situations going on that might be causing me stress, pain, sadness, or some other way? Breathe in and out, trying to relax and let yourself explore what comes up for you. It’s important to give yourself permission to notice and feel whatever comes up for you, without judgement. When we tell ourselves “how we should feel” instead of asking how we actually feel, we never allow ourselves to admit and know the truth. There’s no perfect way to feel. Also, denying how you feel doesn’t mean you don’t feel it. It just means you are prolonging how you don’t want to feel!
You can also do this throughout the day. Check-in with yourself. At home, at work, after school drop off, after work. Get really use to asking yourself, how do I really feel? What is going on? What do I want and need right now or today? It’s hard to get your needs met by others, if you can’t identify and name your needs to yourself first.
If a stressful or difficult situation arises, don’t brush over it. Sit with the discomfort of it and be honest with yourself and how you feel. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes up for you. You can figure out how to express and deal with it later. But first, ask yourself, how do I feel about this? How come? What do I need and want instead?
Other questions you could journal about include:
What are your wants, needs, and expectations in your relationships? How do you give or receive love? What helps you feel safe in these relationships? What do you like or dislike in these relationships? What do you enjoy about these relationships?
Parents:
Partners/Spouse:
Children:
Friends:
Co-workers:
Be honest with yourself. No one has to read this but you. Are you satisfied with these relationships? What could be improved upon? What is going well?
Anther area to get familiar with is: What are your likes and dislikes? Obviously this is broad, but start asking yourself these questions when you are in situations, relationships, eating, going to work, trying to have fun. Give yourself permission to be honest. A lot of women have been conditioned to not have needs or to put them last, but this can have significant negative ripple effects on us and our relationships. Also, no one is truly living out your everyday but you, so why not figure out what you want and need, so life is more fulfilling and satisfying? If you don’t sit with yourself to figure out what it is you want and need, you are way less likely to get it.
Other questions to ask or journal about, What are your current fears? In relationships? With your parents, children, partner? In your work? In your future? About yourself?
Identifying fears helps us challenge them and make changes to over come them.
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So again, get comfortable identifying your wants, needs, thoughts, opinions, and expectations. It’s hard to get your needs truly met, if you don’t know them yourself. It’s hard to be honest with other people, if you don’t know how to be honest with yourself. Start identifying your needs with yourself to build up confidence and clarity to speak it to others. This will better allow you to have the healthy relationships you want.
As always, if you’d like to learn more on this topic, you can reach out to me direct via email at jess@besecurelyher.com.
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With Love,
Jessica - Securely Her