Did you grow up with Conditional Love?
Did you receive conditional love from your parents while growing up? The kind of conditional love where we "earn" our love by behaving a certain way to receive love, affection, attention, praise, or positive affirmation in some way. Often this dynamic takes place in parent-child relationships, and then we continue to believe all relationships and rewards/positive moments in life are earned and not freely given. That someone can't love us or want us because of who we are, but more about what we have done or can do for them. We further believe that we have to keep behaving a certain way to continue to receive love (how exhausting). This causes us to frequently feel fearful of losing love.
What this might have looked like growing up:
It could have looked like parents having very specific expectations of their child to behave a certain way, including: specific grades, looking/dressing a certain way, achievements, playing a certain role, keeping them (parents) happy, catering to their (parents) needs first, not getting upset/show emotion. And if their child didn't behave a certain way or do certain things, the parent became rejecting, cold, withdrawn, or even emotionally or physically abusive in some way. Perhaps they became verbally aggressive, yelled, or insulting.
Children then grow up to be adults and continue this dynamic in other adult relationships, including with their partners, friends, coworkers/boos, and their own children. The effect of this causes individuals to feel like have to be "on" often, work extra hard, and if someone does something nice for they - they must repay them. They might also become apprehensive of someone who gives them help, attention, or kindness, because they expect it comes with conditions. They lack trust when someone is trying to give them something.
Another common feeling I hear from clients who grew up with conditional love is that when they make mistakes they feel like they are “in trouble” and have to earn their worth back. That saying sorry isn't enough. That who they are isn't enough.
And just because you are an adult, doesn’t mean this relationship with your parents has ended. Sadly, it continues often.
Specific ways this might show up with adult children and their parents can include:
Continuing to behave in a certain way or role to keep their parent happy
Persistently thinking about their parents needs and if their parent is happy with them
Making life choices based on their parents wants/needs
Feeling fearful of their parents judgement, critique or thoughts about them
Making sure their parent is "happy" and doing things to cater to their parent's mood
Avoiding hard topics and conflict with their parent due to fear of abandonment or rejection
Feeling persistent guilt or responsibility when their parents are upset
Fearful of their parents
Avoid/Shut-down around their parents
Avoid doing things they want, because they know their parent won't like it
Heavily influenced by their parents opinions out of fear of rejection, critique, hurtful behavior/words by parents
Similar behaviors then carry over into other relationships.
And what I hear most frequently from clients is the fear to continue this relationship with their own children. Which is easy to do, if that's what we learned to do.
So how do we do it differently? How do we change this dynamic with our parents, relationships, and our own children?
First, we have to recognize how unhealthy and wrong this type of love is. We need to learn to recognize when we are engaging in it on either side of it. Such as, if our parents are still expecting us to do certain things or if we're keeping score with our spouse. It's hard, but the more informed we become on what it looks like and feels like, the better we will be at catching it and stopping it.
Second, we need to work on what true self-worth and healthy love is. We can't earn our worth by achievements, behaving a certain way, or keeping everyone happy. We already have our worth. Healthy love includes boundaries, agreed upon expectations, and give/take support from both sides - it doesn't keep score and withdraw if someone decides to make their own choice (get a new job, move away, not have kids, etc). Healthy love is forgiving, flexible, and not self-serving. Healthy love means we both have needs, not “my needs matter more.”
Learning how to put boundaries in place and sit in the discomfort of your parents being upset with you is also part of ending this dynamic. For those of us who have been raised in homes with conditional love, boundaries and ending people pleasing can be extremely hard and even scary. What will they think? What will they do? I encourage you to rally support to remind you that you aren't doing anything wrong, because most likely you will be told that. You might be told you are mean, bad, and "you've always been this way. I shouldn't be surprised." We might have to really, really fight the urge to not give in and continue to behave the way they want. So reach out, get support as you do this. It will get easier with time. I promise.
As always, getting professional help to understand healthy love, self-worth, boundaries, and people-pleasing can be extremely helpful as you do this. Books, resources, and support groups are always helpful too. If you have any questions on how I might be able to support you with this, please reach out! I'm just an email away and I love seeing people change this complicated relationship dynamic and learn what healthy love is. You do not have to earn love.
Reminder: We should never be fearful of losing love, especially from our parents. It should be our most solid foundation of love.
With Love,
Jessica
-Securely Her
IG: @securely.her
E: jess@besecurelyher.com