Do You Take On The Emotional Burdens of Others?
Do you take on the emotional burdens of other people? Meaning, it’s incredible difficult for you to not feel uncomfortable when someone is upset and you frequently find yourself trying to fix the emotions/mood of others’? This often includes sacrificing your own needs or going out of your way to try to “fix” someone’s mood. Most of us experience empathy and feel the pain or emotions of others (thanks mirror neurons!), but not everyone tries to unhealthily fix the emotions of others to the point of sacrificing their own needs. Although this might sound like it has some good traits, it comes with a lot of unhealthy and problematic behaviors, struggles, and consequences. First, taking on the mood/thoughts of others is emotionally exhausting, because.. umm emotions are a lot of work, let alone when your’e trying to feel and manage them for other people. Also, trying to fix and manage the emotions of other people is an unrealistic expectation because you are trying to control and fix things out of your control. This often sets you up for failure…leading to exhaustion, frustration, and burnout.
So how did you start doing this???
I think some of us have more empathic and people pleasing personalities that are susceptible to this behavior; however, many of us were taught this. And that is what I’m going to focus on in this blog. The ones that were taught that it was their responsibility to take on the emotional responsibility of others. **Even if you feel you weren’t taught this, the reminders and tips below can still be helpful - so please, read on! :)
If you find you struggle with emotional boundaries and taking on the weight of other people’s needs, you most likely learned this in your relationships - especially your early ones. Perhaps you were taught it was your responsibility to keep Mom or Dad happy - or maybe you learned it as a self-preservation skill to maintain emotional or physical safety. Due to growing up in this, it might be extremely difficult for you to put healthy emotional boundaries in place, because you never learned them. You weren’t allowed. Instead you were taught from a very young age that you were responsible for the thoughts, mood, and behavior of others and that you need to act a certain way to maintain peace, calm, and happiness. If this was your experience, it’s not uncommon to grow up and continue this pattern of behavior in your adult relationships.
How this might show up might include (but is not limited to):
Overly concerned with how other people feel and you try to behave in a certain way to keep them happy or calm.
You a very aware of the “mood of the room” and you find yourself as a go-between peace keeper (this becomes exhausting!)
Overly concerned with what other’s are thinking and if you upset them. You might find yourself ruminating and repeating events and conversations (laying awake in bed for hours).
Become passive with your own needs, because the needs of others are more important.
You experience extreme discomfort when people are mad or appear upset, and struggle to not try to fix it.
You become small or go above and beyond to change/manage their mood.
Do you find yourself engaging in any of these behaviors? Below are a few steps to get started and support you on your journey to stop this behavior.
Start to recognize when you are doing this. It might sound simple, but it’s not always easy. We can only stop it, if we notice we are doing it. Also, when we start to take notice of when and how frequently we do this, we get insight and motivation so we can stop.
When you notice you are doing it, ask yourself: Is this my burden to carry? Am I taking ownership of someone else’s mood and emotions, making it my responsibility to keep them happy and the situation good? Reminder: It’s not your job to keep other people happy. That is their own responsibility.
Learn to sit in the discomfort of others being upset by their choice. Learn to separate yourself from them and the responsibility. Sometimes we need to start with physical distance to put emotional boundaries in place.
Therapy, coaching, or professional support is an incredible way to help you process and sort through deep roots of why you take on the emotions of other people and how to stop doing it. Outside insight can help support and challenge you to recognize things you might not recognize yourself.
Learn what healthy emotional boundaries are. Learn the areas you might be overstepping or taking on what you shouldn’t. Remind yourself it’s not your job to carry the emotions, mood, thoughts, and actions of other people. We are all responsible for our own mood and actions. Make a mantra for this. There are a ton of great books that can assist you with putting boundaries in place. Here is a link to one I recommend! Boundaries Book
Know the people and situations that cause you to fall into this the most and then proactively plan how to change your behavior. Maybe it’s your parents, partner, boss, or a friend. Maybe it’s during the holidays when you return home to be with all your family. Knowing who and specific situations that cause you to feel unhealthy amounts of emotional burden can help you to be proactive to not fall into this.
Ask yourself why you do this? Journal about this. Be honest and recognize it’s not your responsibility to carry the emotional load of other people’s stuff. Sometimes we can take on the emotional burdens of others because it causes us to feel better about ourselves and we get a sense of reward, confidence, and a sense of feeling important. This isn’t always a healthy way to gain any of those things. It’s important we are honest with our intention and why, so we can learn how to gain healthy love/acceptance/value.
And lastly, remind yourself that changing this behavior is a journey. It won’t happen over night, especially if you were conditioned from a young age to do this. Be kind to yourself and give yourself grace as you make changes. Reach out for help if needed.
Learning to put healthy emotional boundaries in place assists you with living a more fulfilling and confident life, because you are living a life you want to live - not a life of emotions out of your control and the responsibility of someone else. It helps you to feel less exhausted and keeps you in your lane - not the lane of someone else who is driving.
Do you struggle with healthy emotional boundaries? Can you identify people or situations that cause you to fall into this? What steps can you try today, to improve this?
Reminder: this is a journey, not an instant fix. We might fall back into old roles, but just notice what you’d like to do different next time and move forward with emotional boundaries you know are best for you.
Wishing you a life full of healthy relationships. - Jessica