What I’m trying to teach my daughter about relationships
What were you taught and modeled about relationships? Were you taught how to have your own needs, ask for help and cooperate together as a team? Or perhaps you learned “good couples don’t have conflict”, so every time you get upset you suppress it, avoid, and slowly let frustration and resentment build-up without you truly recognizing it? Maybe your childhood included parents that fought a lot, with verbal or physical abuse, chaos, and inability to have a discussion? So when you do have conflict with your partner, you think it includes yelling, fighting, or uncontrollable anger? So many of us weren’t taught the practical tools of how to have a healthy relationship, but I truly believe you can learn to have one no matter what you grew up in or have been in… I know so many of our parents tried their best with the knowledge and tools they have, but unfortunately that wasn’t enough to teach us, causing us to have to learn it in adulthood. The good news is that you can learn it, no matter what you grew up in or relationships you have been in. You can break cycles, and do it different for yourself and your children. You can end generational trauma. My hope is that my daughter will learn a healthy foundation in her childhood to set her up for success in adulthood, as she continues her own relationship :) I already know I’ll make mistakes and perfection as a parent isn’t possible, but I do think showing up with intention and trying to have hard conversations will help her the best I can. That is my hope.
So here are a few things I’m trying to teach her, starting young.
It’s never her job to keep someone happy. She is responsible for her own emotions, behaviors, and choices - likewise, others are responsible for theirs.
Any type of abuse is never ok. Never ever. We should never rationalize or excuse someones behavior. We can so easily do this, especially if you are an empath.
It’s not her job to fix someone. She can support, encourage, and cheer on - but we can never fix anyone.
No one will ever complete her. She is enough already, but someone can complement her.
What healthy emotional and physical boundaries are and look like.
She is lovable just the way she is.
No relationship is worth it if she can’t be herself.
How to love herself.
Her relationship with herself is most important.
All relationships have their hard seasons/conflict and take healthy coping/communication skills to make work.
Every person has their stuff, but not every one is willing to say sorry, repair, and work on change. Look for the ones that are willing to repair, say sorry, and make changes when needed.
I hope she worries less about if someone will choose her, and more about if she wants to choose them.
No one is perfect. We all make mistakes and have imperfections, but that shouldn’t be an excuse for ongoing harmful and poor behavior/choices. You must see change to stay.
Forgiveness, communication, commitment, resiliency and honesty are the roots of a healthy relationship.
You teach people how to treat you.
How to identify her own needs, communicate them, and ask for them to be met.
How to be kind, loving, respectful and cooperate as a relationship-team.
That it’s ok to be angry, upset, sad, and feel all the other hard emotions. It’s what we do with those emotions that make them healthy or unhealthy - destructive or constructive.
What do you wish to learn for yourself and/or teach your own children? I truly believe most of our parents did the best they could with the knowledge they had. However, each generation is given an opportunity to do even more. This is how we break cycles. When we step back and critically think about what served us and what did not, then create the change we need to make it better. It’s not easy, but we can do it.
Wishing you all the wellness, healthy relationships, and healing you need - Jessica