Coping with Mother-hunger & Mother-hurt.
This is for the women experiencing mother-hunger and mother hurt this Mother’s Day.
To those who:
Aren’t in relationship with their mother due to emotional abuse, neglect, narcissistic behavior, estrangement, and/or abandonment.
Are still in their healing relationship journey with their mother and don’t know what Mother’s Day should look like.
Have found it more helpful for their emotional wellbeing to not see their mother or engage with her on the regular.
If their mother left them.
Suffered physical abuse and worked on putting up boundaries.
Don’t have a mother to celebrate.
Are looking for peace on the topic of their mother.
Never felt good enough for their mother.
To those who don’t want to think about Mother’s Day.
This is your reminder that you are not alone in this sort of pain. What you feel is valid, complicated, and painful.
The topic of mothers can be extremely difficult and painful when working through and healing from toxic, difficult, emotionally immature, and/or abusive mothers.
Here are a few suggestions to help you as you experience this pain.
Validate your pain. No one else has to understand or agree with what you feel, for you to recognize that your hurt and pain is valid. Of course external validation would be nice, but these situations are often complicated and other people around or involved don’t always show up for us the way we’d like them to or need. So remember, what you feel is valid, real, and there for a reason.
Ask yourself what you need. When we are experiencing seasons of grief or pain, it’s important for us to step back and get curious about what we need for comfort, relief, or to process and release the pain. Do you need extra time alone? To release yourself of pressure to do all the things this week? Where can you step back and/or ask for help? What are triggers you might want to avoid this week? Do you need to be with people that bring you comfort? Get curious and find ways to give yourself what you need.
Be kind to yourself. I think clients can get tired of hearing this, but self-kindness is incredibly important when we are going through grief and difficult seasons (including time around holidays and anniversaries). Try to be mindful of unrealistic expectations, negative self-talk, and narratives you might be believing about yourself and the situation.
Do little things that bring you peace, calm, and joy. Put things in your day that are mood boosters. An extra coffee trip this week. A walk, time with your family doing something fun, journaling, meditation, prayer.
If you are in therapy or coaching, bring it up and talk about it. Process it with a professional. If you aren’t in therapy, consider reaching out to one if you are recognizing unresolved pain that might need further understanding and processing.
Remind yourself to not take ownership of what’s not yours to carry. Remind yourself that what someone else did to you, was about them, not you. Speak truth and facts when you are feeling overwhelmed by the situation or hurt. Sometimes we need someone from the outside to help us do this.
If you feel comfortable and able to do so, return to that little girl version of you and tell yourself what you needed to hear back then. Something you might be still craving. Look back on that younger version of yourself with love, compassion, and understanding. Then explore how you can give yourself what you still might be craving. Love? Safety? Security? Safe physical touch? To be reminded that you are good enough? Tell yourself that, give yourself what you needed then, and/or write it out.
If you wish you could tell your Mom something, write a letter to her that you don’t need to give her. Express every thought you wish you could say to release it. You can keep this or dispose of it as a form of release and closure.This letter can be telling her of all the hurt, pain, and anger experienced - or it could be about what you miss or long for. It’s whatever you want and need to say to her. What you feel, without guilt, shame, or fear.
Are you a mother? Take a moment to recognize all of the ways you are showing up for your kids and family. Think about all of the cycles you’ve already broken to change your family tree.
Grieve. Give yourself space to grieve. Doesn’t matter how old you are or how long it’s been. If you are feeling grief, release and express it. Cry, journal, meditate, pray, go on walks, do some sort of comfort self-care to grieve. Share how you feel. Name it. Sit with it and try not to rush through it. Your grief deserves space to be honored.
There’s nothing quite like mother-hurt, mother-hunger, or the loss of a mother. If this is your experience, my heart goes out to you.
And remember…
If you want support in this area, it’s something I work with often in my private practice. Reach out to discuss getting support by individual sessions or I can share resources I have found helpful.
You an click HERE to self-schedule a free 20 minute consultation
or click HERE to send me a message and ask about scheduling or any questions you might have.
And remember, I’m currently offering a deal where your first session 50 minute individual coaching session is only $97.00. A session for you to try out individual sessions, get a better understanding of what you are experiencing and help you identify what you need to heal and move forward.
To get you started, here’s a great book on Mother-hunger.
Wishing you healing and comfort this Mother’s Day.
With Love, Jessica