Seven Ways to Manage Difficult Family this Holiday Season
The holidays bring on A LOT, including family relationship stress, expectations, busyness, grief, financial burden and so much more.
In my practice I get extra busy helping people with two main things during this time of year. Those are, family relationship stress and grief. Today I want to take a moment to difficult family members and relationship stress, as it relates to the holidays. As well as share a few tools to help you navigate difficult family members.
I offered a holiday group program this year to support with these two topics, and although you can no longer sign up (be ready to next year though!), you can get a free Holiday Survival Guide by clicking HERE.
Alright, here we go!
Seven Ways to Manage Difficult Family this Holiday Season:
My specialty as a therapist is helping individuals heal relationship wounds and end generational trauma, so chances are, if you are here – your family has some difficult people, complicated family dynamics, and/or family dysfunction. If that’s the case, the holidays can be extra stressful as you try to manage those dynamics during this time of year. Because as we know, the holidays often come with A LOT of family time and expectations.
Take some time and ask yourself these questions:
What is your family like during the holidays? What comes up for you? Do you have difficult family members you have to deal with? Emotionally Immature individuals? Is there a bully or leader who you are dreading? Someone who needs to get their way? Excessive guilt? Is there past unresolved hurt, wounds, trauma, and pain? Someone who you’d like to avoid? Or perhaps you find yourself persistently irritated with people and get roped into difficult/stressful conversations you’d rather not be a part of.
These are all common triggers and difficulties I see with clients during this time of the year.
Getting clear on your family dynamics and what comes up for you, will help you get clarity on how to use these practical tools.
SEVEN HELPFUL TOOLS:
1. Emotional Boundaries
The first and one of the most important things we can do is have STRONG and HEALTHY EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES. Here is what emotional boundaries can look like with difficult individuals during the holidays.
Distance yourself emotionally. Engage with them more from a place of observing, than relationally. This means, you recognize who they are and how they usually show up, and you manage your expectations of them. You recognize that emotionally connecting and spending emotional energy on them is more work, potentially hurtful, and exhausting - so instead of engaging relationally on a deep and connected level, keep conversation light and to specific topics.
You don’t need to match them. When they start to behave in emotionally immature or difficult behaviors, let them be. Recognize that their behavior is about them, not you and you don’t have to engage in their behavior. Perhaps this means walking away, changing the subject, talking to someone else, or even leaving early if needed. But just observe them and their behavior with thick emotional boundaries. You don’t have to get involved with what they are seeking or engage in ways you have in the past, if that wasn’t helpful.
Stay in your lane. Remember it’s not your job to fix or mediate the situation. It’s important we own “our stuff”, but we don’t have to for other people. Ask yourself, is this something I caused? How can I be supportive while staying in my lane and role?
Learn to tolerate uncomfortable situations and when conflict arises. Internally remind yourself, “I can tolerate this. I will be ok. It’s not my job to fix it.”
Recognize that people can be unhappy and that’s ok. Learn to sit with the discomfort of this. You will get better at it.
Recognize when you are overstepping and “fixing.” When we start to notice this behavior, we can catch it sooner and change it.
Get curious why you try to fix or get so uncomfortable with conflict and difficult feelings. Challenge unhelpful core beliefs that tell you it’s your job to fix something/someone and that you can’t tolerate it.
2. Manage your expectations of people
Emotionally immature and difficult people deflect, avoid responsibility, are defensive, and struggle with empathy; therefore, if you are expecting them to understand where you are coming from - most likely they won’t. Meaning, you might need to adjust your expectations to find the most peace you can. Identify what’s in your control and release what isn’t.
Accept who someone is. If they are emotionally immature or choose to make certain decisions repeatedly, at some point we must accept it or we are going to set ourselves up for ongoing frustration, sadness, and feeling defeated. We will make someone's behavior about us and our worth, and meaning, when really, it’s about them.
3. Know who you want to spend time with
Identify people who are safe and who you do want to spend time with at family gatherings and gravitate/focus on them. Maybe it’s your children, a cousin, aunt or uncle. Focus on who and what you want the most, so you can enjoy the moment/situation. If your dad is difficult, engage when needed. Release guilt about this. He is choosing his behavior, and you get to choose how you want to deal with it and/or accept it.
4. Be Proactive and Prepare
Reflect on past experiences with family members and identify potential difficult conversations, behaviors, or interactions. How did you respond before? How would you like to respond? What would be a more helpful response? BEFORE you see them, think about what you’d like to say or do, to get the outcome and experience you’d like. For instance, if you’d like to remain calm and in control of your reaction, think of phrases to say when they try to “rope you in” or say something that is upsetting/frustrating. Take time to identify how to calm your mind and nervous system, so you can stay regulated. Maybe you schedule time to go for a walk by yourself or with someone that’s calming/supportive. Maybe you escape to the bathroom after a difficult conversation and take some breaths, wash your hands/face, and release what isn’t yours to carry.
5. Learn to control your emotions and triggers
When we are around difficult people, it can feel hard to control our emotions and responses. Having go-to emotion regulation coping skills to assist when you feel triggered and upset, can help you navigate difficult situations/people and show up in ways to minimize family conflict and stress.
Want to learn how to manage hard emotions? Click HERE for another free resource!
6. Give Kindness and Grace when and where you can
Be flexible and give grace to others when and where you can. We don’t always respond perfectly and neither do others. Before responding to something that felt unfair, pause and give it a moment before responding. Identify if this is a situation where you should speak up or not add to the fire.
7. Trust and Validate yourself
Trust yourself. Validate your thoughts, feelings, and needs. You know what’s best for you. Do that. It’s easy for family to invalidate our experience and cause us to question how we feel, but you don’t have to invalidate your experience – even if they do.
And last, I hope you remind yourself that you can keep your boundaries – EVEN IF it’s the holiday season. You’ll show up better for yourself and others if you keep them.
If you need more support, please know I’m over here cheering for you and would love to connect to see if I can help you more!
Wishing you peace and joy this holiday season,
Jessica
Here are a few resources I shared above: