Identifying internal beliefs about yourself & others: Core Beliefs

What are Core Beliefs? And why do they matter so much?

Core beliefs are broad and absolute statements we make about ourselves and others. They can be positive or negative beliefs. They are felt as deep beliefs and truths that we believe about ourselves, other people, and the world. They are a foundation to how we see things about ourselves and our surroundings. They impact how we perceive, interpret, and interact with others, make decisions, think, behave, etc. 

Each of us have our own core beliefs we have learned throughout our life experiences. This is why two people can experience the same situation and interpret the events differently. We can have helpful and unhelpful core beliefs. 

Examples of core beliefs are, “I’m not good enough” “I’m not loveable” “I’m weak and too emotional.” “You can’t trust anyone.” “People will only hurt you.” “People always judge me.” “The world is unsafe.” 

We often don’t even realize we have them or that they are directing everything we do, think, and say… but they are there.. working in the background and directing all of it.

Consequences of harmful core beliefs:

Core beliefs can cause us to experience significant distrust in others and ourselves; feeling less than, unworthy, and putting your needs last; excessive jealousy, defensiveness, or difficulty engaging in healthy relationships, or becoming too passive or too aggressive in relationships. They can also increase anxiety, depression, isolation, substance abuse, and harmful/unhealthy behaviors. Meaning, our core beliefs significantly impact our overall life satisfaction, mental health, and relationships on a daily basis. They become our operating system for how we see the world, ourselves, show up, and engage (or don’t engage). 

We will often look for information to prove our core beliefs are true, and then behave in ways that can be hurtful to us. For instance, if I believe I’m not good enough, I’ll never seek opportunities that help me to better myself financially or professionally. Instead I”ll choose fewer opportunities that prove “I’m not good enough, so why try?” 

How do we develop core beliefs?
Core beliefs are often developed in our childhood, during early life experiences with our parents, relationships, messages we receive from our culture or society, and situations that reinforce a belief. For example, if we have emotionally neglectful parents and then have a relationship with someone that emotionally hurts us, it’s easy to say that “all people will hurt me.” 

Women who grew up in childhood trauma might be prone to core beliefs that include: 

No one is trustworthy. I must take care of myself. 

I’m not loveable, even my parents didn’t want me. 

I’m not meant to be a mother. Look at what I come from. I’ll just repeat what I grew up in. I’ll be another statistic. I won’t know what I’m doing. 

I won’t know how to love my baby/child. 

I don’t know how to manage my emotions, so I should just avoid them. Emotions make you weak anyways. 

No one actually has a happy family. Eventually it won’t work out. 

Relationships aren’t worth it. Eventually you’ll just get hurt, so why even try? 

I won’t know how to bond, attach, or love my baby. 

My baby won’t love me. They will see me for who I really am - which isn’t good. 

I must work hard to earn my worth. To prove I’m not like my family. To prove I can be different. 

If I make all the right and perfect choices, then I can have a good life and be loved/accepted.

I’m not good enough. 

I’m less than other people. My upbringing proves that. 

I need to hide what happened to me. 

My past is shameful. Look at what I did. Look at who I come from.

I did something to deserve my abuse or what happened to me. I made wrong choices. I talked back, was too much, too emotional, didn’t act right, put myself out there, etc. 

I must have done something to deserve this. I made wrong choices to get here.

Other Common core beliefs: 
“I am weak”

“I am trapped”

“I am unlovable”

“I will end up alone”

“No one likes me”

“I am bad”

“I don’t deserve to live”

“The world is dangerous”

“Nothing ever goes right”

These core beliefs are incredibly unfair and limiting to who you truly are. Yes your hurt and pain is real, BUT… you don’t have to take it on as your identity. You don’t have to walk in shame or take ownership of someone else’s behavior/actions. You can learn to release and reframe your beliefs.

So let’s change them… 

If you like to journal, here are some questions for you. If you don’t like to journal, just take some time to reflect on these questions. However, writing can be incredibly helpful to see what you think and feel, helping you to be intentional with your change. :) 

But do what works best for you! 

Identifying and Restructuring Core Beliefs: 
What core beliefs do you have about yourself? Other’s? Life? The world?

What behavior does this core belief lead to?

How can I reframe this core belief?

What is a new aligned behavior to support this new core belief?

Examples: 
Core Belief: Relationships aren’t worth it. Eventually I’ll get hurt, so why bother. 
Leads to behavior of: Isolation, withdrawal, insecure attachment, scanning for safety persistently in relationships, difficulty letting people in, restless in relationships, difficulty with commitment. 
Reframe: Yes, relationships can come with hurt; however, I can learn to have a healthy relationship and maintain a sense of safety with healthy boundaries, communication, and finding someone who is also healthy. I am capable of navigating hurt, and find a healthy relationship worth the vulnerability and risk. I can’t escape hurt, in or out of relationships, but learning to have healthy relationships will help provide resiliency and support throughout life’s hurts. 
New Aligned Behavior: When you notice yourself going back to your usual beliefs and behavior, call it out. Recognize what you are doing and state the neutral facts of the situation. Change your behavior to align with your new beliefs. 
When I notice myself to isolate and shut down I will assess my safety, ground myself, and learn to communicate my needs to my partner. This will  help me to feel more connected with myself and them, to help me lean in rather than out. This will help to disprove my core belief.

It will take time to retrain your brain to replace, challenge, and reframe with more realistic beliefs, but with time, calling them out, and repeated practice, your core beliefs can and will change. 

Remember: 

People are not born with core beliefs—they are learned, which means we can unlearn, challenge, and change them with enough work and experiences. 

Core beliefs usually develop in childhood, or during stressful or traumatic periods in adulthood.

Information that contradicts core beliefs is often ignored to continue to prove our beliefs to be true. Just because your core belief feels true, doesn’t mean it is. Because of this, sometimes we need outside support to help us challenge our core beliefs. Our inner narrative can feel extremely righteous and true. 

So remember, negative core beliefs are not necessarily true, even if they feel true.

Core beliefs run deep and will take time to change. Don’t give up if you find it hard to reframe, challenge, or work on. 

As always, if you want support while you work through challenging these deep core beliefs, I’m here! But also… I created a free handout to get you started by yourself if that’s preferred and easier.

Sign up here to get a free guided handout to help you identify your core beliefs and challenge them.

Wishing you all the best during your healing journey